I don't have talent

So in 7th grade I decided, for some insane reason, to enter the talent show. I don't know what my problem was. It was the worst idea I've ever had. But honestly, I'm kinda glad I did it.
I wanted to stand out and I thought maybe I could sing at the talent show at Hyde Park. When I was stupid back then I wanted to be a singer. Like be in a band and everything. I wanted to be a rockstar so badly. I decided to do a really lame song. Good Riddance by Green Day. I don't know what's wrong with me so save your smart comments. Anyways, I practiced really hard. I would stay after school with my choir teacher to learn how to play guitar to it too. I wasn't good at that either and I was running out of time so my teacher recommended the best guitar at our school play for me. That kid was Carl. Yep, the new kid. Remember by this time I was crazy about him.
I couldn't be any happier. I got to stay after school with him to 'practice'. He didn't really seem to care about me though. It seemed like it was more businessy for him. We would practice at the park across the street and it was pretty fun sometimes.
The day of the talent show I was really nervous. I was wearing this horrible, disgusting, blue bridesmaid dress with these ugly, hot topic, black dress shoes. I even wore a blue ribbon in my hair. I was so ugly. We had a practice before it started and it was alright. But when the show actually started I couldn't find Carl anywhere. I was getting kinda nervous since I was like the 8th one to preform. He finally came when the 4th performer was on. He sat next to me and it felt good.
It was our turn. My heart was racing. He started. I didn't come in on time. He had to start me. It was pathetic and embarrassing. I finished and it wasn't anything special. He hugged me when we got off stage and said I was good though. We sat back down next to each other and commented on every other act.
After everything was done and everyone was in a ramble. I quickly took my parents camera and searched for Carl. I finally found him and I ask him if I could take a picture of him. He kinda struggled a little but he gave in. He had a silly pose. "Thanks!" I said excited of having a picture with me. The next part, *sigh*, is.. Well he said "Ok, now take one with me and my girlfriend." WHAT? Girlfriend? Here I thought we were hitting it off. I thought we had a connection. Most of all, I thought I had a chance with him. He has a girlfriend. A fat ugly one with nasty greasy hair. I hated her. I almost hated him. I went home with the biggest disappointment I've ever had. Story of my life.
When I got home the first thing I did was crop his ugly girlfriend out of his picture.

this is getting embarrassing

Why am I telling you this story?

So when I got to school the next day, word was out about me and the new kid. So this new kid's name is Carl, ha.. The year went on and we became closer friends. The next big impact on 'us' was the choir trip to Disneyland. It was the end of April. By this time I really, really, really liked him.

So my dad was a chaperone(ugh). I sat all the way in the back with my friend on the bus. I was pretty close to Carl and his group of friends. I sat next to him real quick before we left for the happiest place on earth. I showed him a few pictures I had taken on my camera. Nothing much really happened but I did anything just to be near him. The rest of the way I would keep glancing over his way. Only to be filled with jealously as one of the girls in his group would be laying on him.

On our rest stop he disappeared with his friends and I got stuck being watched over by my dad. Of course he wouldn't want to hang with me if my dad was around. I tried to sleep to make the bus ride go faster.

Before we got to Disneyland we had to go to some choir festival competition thing. It was alright. The main part I remember is when we were done and loading back on the bus and Carls choir pants were falling as he was running showing his jeans. My dad lucky recorded it with his video tape.

When we got to the hotel we were organized off into girls and boys. I was with my closest friends at the time. We decided to take a visit to the boys room, Carl's room. I was so excited. When we got there he wasn't there. Just one of the loser boys I didn't care for. I was soon kinda scared when I found out my dad AND my choir teacher were sleeping next door. We heard a knock on the door and we (the girls) went running to hide under the bed. Figures it was Carl and his guy friend. I was so happy to see him. We talked a little and next thing I know he's picking me up and throwing me onto the closest bed. I was so nervous (as I always was around him). I sat next to me and I told him, "It's kinda like the comfy spot at Miller's house." He just laughed and said yea. We left soon after.

The next day was Disneyland time. I didn't spend much time with Carl but we did spend sometime at the Indian Jones ride. Well line really xD Anyways, so we were next to each other talking. "Hey you wanna see this cool trick?" he said to me. "sure" I said really excited. He asked if I had a pen and luckily my dad did in his cellphone pocket thing. He took my hand and drew two lines and a dot. "Ok, so this a bunny and this is a river. How does the bunny cross?" he would say pointing at each thing. I would say all sorts of ways that weren't the right answer. "Well how does it cross it then?" I would say giving up. "There is no right answer. I just wanted to hold your hand." Isn't that just the cutest thing he could of said. I was blushing to hard I couldn't even say anything else the rest of the line.


Ahh. I'll tell you about how I was in the talent show next week.

The first step is admitting you have a problem

It's not that I have a drug addition or anything. But I know I have stupid problems. I have this social, emotional, stuck-in-the-past, 'female dog', problem. Hm, where to start?

In second grade we had this self esteem program that thought us how to 'love' ourselves and other people. The mascot was this green frog that told me not to do drugs. Well I always thought that this program was nothing but stupid Christian morals disguised to be taught at school. Anyways, whenever this thing would tell us to love ourselves and not think that we're ugly, stupid, or weird, I would always think that's hard to do. When I was in elementary school I was always the shortest kid in class (I know, shocking). I was like the side kid in groups. I never had a guy like me. So where was I supposed to get all this 'love' for myself.

Ok next step, come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. I guess this is where this ends. The 12 steps can't help me now. How will I ever solve my problem.

So now to explain the most complicated, long story I have to tell. My stuck-in-the-past problem is the biggest issue I have. It all started in 7th grade. It was choir class, the last class of the day. There was a new student one day. It was this long haired boy with a torn up shirt. So around Chirstmas time, we made a CD to sell to parents and kids who need blackmail on us to raise money for our trip to California.
My friend and I decided to do a song. The place where we went to record our CD was at our teacher's house. We got there a early and went to hang out in his living room. I noticed the new kid was there running around the house with other kids from the choir and being 'cool'. I was sitting on the couch and noticed my pants where ripped in the crotch area. I pointed this out to my friend and the new kid asked me if I was a virgin. "Yes I am" Then he askes me if I was a lesbian. A very clever of finding out if I was avaliable? "No. I'm sorry to disappoint you." After a while of eating strawberries from our teachers fridge. The new kid sat alone on the love sofa. It was just my friend, the new kid, me and random kids walking in and out. The new kid was asking for some one to sit with him on the sofa that was made for two people, not one. I was the lucky victim.
-PAUSE- *this is where my life gets twister so hard I don't know if it was a turn for the worst or the best* -PLAY-
How could I deny? He had cute, long, curly hair and shoes with pink soles. I was so nervous. I hardly knew this kids name. He was obviously flirty with me, but he was flirty with everyone there so I didn't think much of it. We talked for a while and before I know it, he has an arm around me. My friend desides to force this two seater couch to a three seater. We all start just to become friends with one another. The next thing that happened I'm not sure how it exactly went. One moment I'm being tickled to death, next moment I'm on the floor next to the kitchen with the new kid on top me. His hair was like a curtain that shut out everyone else in the room. It was me and him. He whispered to me, "Just play along." Play along to what? I just lay there. I didn't know what to do. I think for a while I pasted out and then regain consciousness when another teacher came in the room and asked what was going on. The new kid leaped off me to the kitchen to make it look like it was my own fault for falling.

I think that's enough for now. I'll explain the rest of 7th grade next week.


pic: http://cococonutshake.deviantart.com/art/blush-82114644