what happened to friday nights?

So i've come to the conclusion that i need to get out more. I used to stay up til 6 in the morning on fridays. Now, i get so bored i'm writing blogs and watching the news. I feel like a 30 year old with no life. I think this summer i wanna make some changes about being home alone. I'm just gonna go on road trips with Carl. If only i didn't have summer school :/
Well to be honest, i'm kinda excited about summer school. Since i never took p.e. II i have to take that at durango. So hopefully i can find someone on my weirdo level. Many people are making summer 'to-do' lists for this summer, i'd make one but i know i wouldn't stick to it. Like working out, study, volunteer, boring stuff like that. My main goal is just to go camping at the Great Basin.
Despite my lame summer plans, i do have a 'to-do' list for my senior year:

1- make a best friend.
lame i know but this is actually a huge goal for me. I know, 'shocking'.

2- get a 5 on my Calc BC AP test.
i wanna zip through college and a main class out of the way.

3- actually take pictures in journalism
with a new editor in chief, people will ask me to take pics and not take them behind my back and give me a bad grade for it. *cough cough*

4- have my own production at the musical review.
i want to do Across the Universe and i'll actually commit to making it the best musical at the show.

5- move out.
start my life away from home.

6- try to start ice skating again.
it was the only sport i was semi good at. sad i know.

7- start getting connections with casinos.
get ahead in accounting and find my way to the top faster.

8- get my tattoo.
i know tons of people regret their first tattoo, but i really do love squids. it's a passion of mine become a marine biologist and study giant and colossal squids. since i live in a desert it's hard getting my dream to come true. so i want a squid tattoo to show that maybe some day i'll be able to see a colossal squid in real life.


not much else to say i guess. nothing special is going on for a long time.

I don't have talent

So in 7th grade I decided, for some insane reason, to enter the talent show. I don't know what my problem was. It was the worst idea I've ever had. But honestly, I'm kinda glad I did it.
I wanted to stand out and I thought maybe I could sing at the talent show at Hyde Park. When I was stupid back then I wanted to be a singer. Like be in a band and everything. I wanted to be a rockstar so badly. I decided to do a really lame song. Good Riddance by Green Day. I don't know what's wrong with me so save your smart comments. Anyways, I practiced really hard. I would stay after school with my choir teacher to learn how to play guitar to it too. I wasn't good at that either and I was running out of time so my teacher recommended the best guitar at our school play for me. That kid was Carl. Yep, the new kid. Remember by this time I was crazy about him.
I couldn't be any happier. I got to stay after school with him to 'practice'. He didn't really seem to care about me though. It seemed like it was more businessy for him. We would practice at the park across the street and it was pretty fun sometimes.
The day of the talent show I was really nervous. I was wearing this horrible, disgusting, blue bridesmaid dress with these ugly, hot topic, black dress shoes. I even wore a blue ribbon in my hair. I was so ugly. We had a practice before it started and it was alright. But when the show actually started I couldn't find Carl anywhere. I was getting kinda nervous since I was like the 8th one to preform. He finally came when the 4th performer was on. He sat next to me and it felt good.
It was our turn. My heart was racing. He started. I didn't come in on time. He had to start me. It was pathetic and embarrassing. I finished and it wasn't anything special. He hugged me when we got off stage and said I was good though. We sat back down next to each other and commented on every other act.
After everything was done and everyone was in a ramble. I quickly took my parents camera and searched for Carl. I finally found him and I ask him if I could take a picture of him. He kinda struggled a little but he gave in. He had a silly pose. "Thanks!" I said excited of having a picture with me. The next part, *sigh*, is.. Well he said "Ok, now take one with me and my girlfriend." WHAT? Girlfriend? Here I thought we were hitting it off. I thought we had a connection. Most of all, I thought I had a chance with him. He has a girlfriend. A fat ugly one with nasty greasy hair. I hated her. I almost hated him. I went home with the biggest disappointment I've ever had. Story of my life.
When I got home the first thing I did was crop his ugly girlfriend out of his picture.

this is getting embarrassing

Why am I telling you this story?

So when I got to school the next day, word was out about me and the new kid. So this new kid's name is Carl, ha.. The year went on and we became closer friends. The next big impact on 'us' was the choir trip to Disneyland. It was the end of April. By this time I really, really, really liked him.

So my dad was a chaperone(ugh). I sat all the way in the back with my friend on the bus. I was pretty close to Carl and his group of friends. I sat next to him real quick before we left for the happiest place on earth. I showed him a few pictures I had taken on my camera. Nothing much really happened but I did anything just to be near him. The rest of the way I would keep glancing over his way. Only to be filled with jealously as one of the girls in his group would be laying on him.

On our rest stop he disappeared with his friends and I got stuck being watched over by my dad. Of course he wouldn't want to hang with me if my dad was around. I tried to sleep to make the bus ride go faster.

Before we got to Disneyland we had to go to some choir festival competition thing. It was alright. The main part I remember is when we were done and loading back on the bus and Carls choir pants were falling as he was running showing his jeans. My dad lucky recorded it with his video tape.

When we got to the hotel we were organized off into girls and boys. I was with my closest friends at the time. We decided to take a visit to the boys room, Carl's room. I was so excited. When we got there he wasn't there. Just one of the loser boys I didn't care for. I was soon kinda scared when I found out my dad AND my choir teacher were sleeping next door. We heard a knock on the door and we (the girls) went running to hide under the bed. Figures it was Carl and his guy friend. I was so happy to see him. We talked a little and next thing I know he's picking me up and throwing me onto the closest bed. I was so nervous (as I always was around him). I sat next to me and I told him, "It's kinda like the comfy spot at Miller's house." He just laughed and said yea. We left soon after.

The next day was Disneyland time. I didn't spend much time with Carl but we did spend sometime at the Indian Jones ride. Well line really xD Anyways, so we were next to each other talking. "Hey you wanna see this cool trick?" he said to me. "sure" I said really excited. He asked if I had a pen and luckily my dad did in his cellphone pocket thing. He took my hand and drew two lines and a dot. "Ok, so this a bunny and this is a river. How does the bunny cross?" he would say pointing at each thing. I would say all sorts of ways that weren't the right answer. "Well how does it cross it then?" I would say giving up. "There is no right answer. I just wanted to hold your hand." Isn't that just the cutest thing he could of said. I was blushing to hard I couldn't even say anything else the rest of the line.


Ahh. I'll tell you about how I was in the talent show next week.

The first step is admitting you have a problem

It's not that I have a drug addition or anything. But I know I have stupid problems. I have this social, emotional, stuck-in-the-past, 'female dog', problem. Hm, where to start?

In second grade we had this self esteem program that thought us how to 'love' ourselves and other people. The mascot was this green frog that told me not to do drugs. Well I always thought that this program was nothing but stupid Christian morals disguised to be taught at school. Anyways, whenever this thing would tell us to love ourselves and not think that we're ugly, stupid, or weird, I would always think that's hard to do. When I was in elementary school I was always the shortest kid in class (I know, shocking). I was like the side kid in groups. I never had a guy like me. So where was I supposed to get all this 'love' for myself.

Ok next step, come to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. I guess this is where this ends. The 12 steps can't help me now. How will I ever solve my problem.

So now to explain the most complicated, long story I have to tell. My stuck-in-the-past problem is the biggest issue I have. It all started in 7th grade. It was choir class, the last class of the day. There was a new student one day. It was this long haired boy with a torn up shirt. So around Chirstmas time, we made a CD to sell to parents and kids who need blackmail on us to raise money for our trip to California.
My friend and I decided to do a song. The place where we went to record our CD was at our teacher's house. We got there a early and went to hang out in his living room. I noticed the new kid was there running around the house with other kids from the choir and being 'cool'. I was sitting on the couch and noticed my pants where ripped in the crotch area. I pointed this out to my friend and the new kid asked me if I was a virgin. "Yes I am" Then he askes me if I was a lesbian. A very clever of finding out if I was avaliable? "No. I'm sorry to disappoint you." After a while of eating strawberries from our teachers fridge. The new kid sat alone on the love sofa. It was just my friend, the new kid, me and random kids walking in and out. The new kid was asking for some one to sit with him on the sofa that was made for two people, not one. I was the lucky victim.
-PAUSE- *this is where my life gets twister so hard I don't know if it was a turn for the worst or the best* -PLAY-
How could I deny? He had cute, long, curly hair and shoes with pink soles. I was so nervous. I hardly knew this kids name. He was obviously flirty with me, but he was flirty with everyone there so I didn't think much of it. We talked for a while and before I know it, he has an arm around me. My friend desides to force this two seater couch to a three seater. We all start just to become friends with one another. The next thing that happened I'm not sure how it exactly went. One moment I'm being tickled to death, next moment I'm on the floor next to the kitchen with the new kid on top me. His hair was like a curtain that shut out everyone else in the room. It was me and him. He whispered to me, "Just play along." Play along to what? I just lay there. I didn't know what to do. I think for a while I pasted out and then regain consciousness when another teacher came in the room and asked what was going on. The new kid leaped off me to the kitchen to make it look like it was my own fault for falling.

I think that's enough for now. I'll explain the rest of 7th grade next week.


pic: http://cococonutshake.deviantart.com/art/blush-82114644

new semester, new thoughts?

Apparently my randomness isn't all that entertaining to some people. It seems that very personal issues and witty diction is the way to win over my audience (which is probably just myself and maybe some snoopy administrators). I'm not sure if I'm ready to reveal myself to the world. On the other hand it might be my only choice since I can't think of 14 lettered words in a row to explain a simple task. I guess I'll start off easy. I apologize in advance..

It seems that I've been 'stuck in a rut' for a few years now. I'm at the point where it's more comfortable to be in my little rut, where I won't have to fear anymore failure, than trying to climb out. I have to give myself some credit though. Hardly anyone has been able to see that til recently. I guess you can call me a dramaqueen or emotional teenager. What else do you expect though? I'm 17 and lost beyond reason.

I live in two different worlds. My first world is my perfectionistic AMSAT student aiming for the best in education. Numbers are my forte. Despite my view on college, I still want the best. I don't want to settle for a mediocre degree from UNLV. I'd rather not go to college at all if my only choice was UNLV. At the same time I'm aware I'm not good enough from my school of choice, UC Berkely. So I'm trying to settle for something in the middle. I would love to go to school on the east side but I unfortunately was born in the west and have no chance getting in or moving that far.

My second world is my more artistic, 'free' side. I'm surrounded by music all the time. At one point I really honestly wanted to be a musician (singer really). I love drawing. I'm not the best but I guess I wouldn't say I'm horrible. I'm a 3 on a scale of 10. All in all, music is really my love. When I hear certain songs I can imagine myself in a free-ing scene. What I mean by that is like, that feeling when your really on your own doing what you want for the first time. I imagine myself driving late, standing on a trucks bed, screaming my lungs out for the first time. Something like that. Listening to music gives me all these scenes that I want to physically see. I can't recreate them on paper with a pencil so I try to get something close with my pictures.

Lately, I've been having a hard time feeling that free-ing moment. It's hard to put feeling into my pictures now. Maybe it's mostly because it's the winter and school that's drowning my creative spirt. Summer really brings out the best pictures.

As you see, I can't find this middle ground between my two worlds. They confict each other way to much. My mom wants me to go to college. Carl wants me to be a proffesional photographer (probably musician too). They can't tell me what will make me happy. But I don't know what makes me happy either. I want to go to college, I want to be that rockstar I imagined myself being. I just can't see myself happy doing either one. I'm not good enough for either. The thing I think that would make me happy is going around the world and learning about everyone. Experience things I can NEVER experience in Vegas. In order to do that, I would need money and wars to stop. Again, something that won't happen for me.

I don't know where to move. Should I try to crawl out and run left? Should I run right? Maybe I should dig a tunnel to the center of the earth. I'm stuck in a rut. I think God, the universe, Allah, the sun, whatever people pray to, need to give me a redo on life. I've run into a brick wall and it's too late to turn back.


pic: http://dalaiharma.deviantart.com/art/These-Precious-Things-95232132

Tre Cool doll

I'm really obsessed with the new Super Mario. It's kinda fusterating. But whatever xD
My brother is so lame. He's been watching a marathon on stupid dinosaurs. Yea, he's still into that stuff. He's 16 already.
Ugh, my aunt is coming from California so my mom has to sleep with me in my room. Just when I got her out.
It feels like the room is spinning. I've been playing videa games for like 4 hours now. Should of done homework but eh I don't care.
Something is up with my mom. We've been going out to somewhat nice places to eat. The other day we went to Olive Garden and today we went to Tony Romas. It's weird. Maybe it's because she has a new job.
Brownies from 711 are really yummy. Surprisingly, so is their coffee. I get a small Domo cup of coffee with 3 carmel milk things.
Do people even know that Domo is a kids show? Probably not -_- I love the show. It's so cute. I like the bats, but my favorite is the yellow bear that's like best friends with Domo. Oh, and did you know he was born out of an egg in an old rabbits house?
I'm lame I know.
My toes are cold.
Strawberry milk is gross. I like chocolate milk best. I sometimes like normal milk but I'm kinda lactose intolerant and plain milk makes me feel kinda gross. Same with raw peanuts.
I haven't had cotton candy in a long time.
I really miss my old Fullmetal Alchemist sweater. It had Al's blood seal and some japanese writing on the sleeve. It was so awesome. It got washed and got holes all over and when I went to go exchange it they didn't have them anymore. I've tried looking for it online but no luck yet.
I like black lights.
hm I've been liking a lot of thing lately.
I went to the aracade with my dad yesterday and we won 600 tickets on the Deal or No Deal machine. There wasn't much for prizes and the only thing there was, was a Tre Cool doll. Tre Cool is the drummer of Green Day. It's really creepy looking and doesn't really look like him. I wanted 600 tickets worth of candy but no.

pic: http://www.japan-zone.com/modern/pix/d/domo_kun.jpg

Englewood up to no good.

I want to go to New York so badly.
Guys say a lot of things but I wonder if most even mean it. How can a guy straight up tell a girl they aren't pretty? Maybe I just have trouble trusting anyone. I guess that's why I don't have friends right?
Yes, this weekend was Thanksgiving. But I hate turkey and ham and everything about it. The real holiday for me was Black Friday! It was amazing. I didn't really buy anything but I did watch people at their best. Watching people wait in line for hours in the cold to get a tv on sale. It's great. Well I did get 2 pairs of jeans and 5 long sleeve shirts. The mall was surprisingly not as full as I thought it would be at 5 in the morning.
So remember when I put a picture of that creepy goblin shark picture in my first blog? Well, I saw this documentary on them and their jaws stick out from their face when they take a bite. It's gross.
The Cleveland show is dumb. Family guy is the only thing Seth McFarland has done successfully.
So I've really been thinking about college, and I've realized I really don't want to go to college. Being at school depresses me. Why would I go back for another 4 years to work even more? I imagine killing myself one night before a final. I'm thinking of running away to Goa, India or anywhere away from Vegas. I really just want to see the world. I don't want to be locked up in a room anymore. I don't even know how I'm going to survive my last year of high school.
I'm breaking out :/
Those Gap commercials where these people are break dancing are extremely annoying. Now they have one with little girls rapping about boots. Commercials in general are pretty annoying. Some are entertaining before they become annoying. Others should have never been thought of.
My ears hurt. They aren't used to wearing heavier dangling earrings.
So this someone is so in love with this person. This person rarely thinks about the someone. The someone saves themselves for the person because deep down the someone feels that one day they can be with the person. But this person doesn't save themselves. This person forgets about all the things someone has done and how much someone loves them. The person only realizes this when their with a different person who's wrong for the person. The person is left alone and the only one for them is the someone. So having no one else, the person gets with the someone. Isn't that messed up for the someone?
Carl's mommy makes amazing banana pumpkin muffins :D


pic: http://soks2626.deviantart.com/art/Mr-Goh-College-75904094