new semester, new thoughts?

Apparently my randomness isn't all that entertaining to some people. It seems that very personal issues and witty diction is the way to win over my audience (which is probably just myself and maybe some snoopy administrators). I'm not sure if I'm ready to reveal myself to the world. On the other hand it might be my only choice since I can't think of 14 lettered words in a row to explain a simple task. I guess I'll start off easy. I apologize in advance..

It seems that I've been 'stuck in a rut' for a few years now. I'm at the point where it's more comfortable to be in my little rut, where I won't have to fear anymore failure, than trying to climb out. I have to give myself some credit though. Hardly anyone has been able to see that til recently. I guess you can call me a dramaqueen or emotional teenager. What else do you expect though? I'm 17 and lost beyond reason.

I live in two different worlds. My first world is my perfectionistic AMSAT student aiming for the best in education. Numbers are my forte. Despite my view on college, I still want the best. I don't want to settle for a mediocre degree from UNLV. I'd rather not go to college at all if my only choice was UNLV. At the same time I'm aware I'm not good enough from my school of choice, UC Berkely. So I'm trying to settle for something in the middle. I would love to go to school on the east side but I unfortunately was born in the west and have no chance getting in or moving that far.

My second world is my more artistic, 'free' side. I'm surrounded by music all the time. At one point I really honestly wanted to be a musician (singer really). I love drawing. I'm not the best but I guess I wouldn't say I'm horrible. I'm a 3 on a scale of 10. All in all, music is really my love. When I hear certain songs I can imagine myself in a free-ing scene. What I mean by that is like, that feeling when your really on your own doing what you want for the first time. I imagine myself driving late, standing on a trucks bed, screaming my lungs out for the first time. Something like that. Listening to music gives me all these scenes that I want to physically see. I can't recreate them on paper with a pencil so I try to get something close with my pictures.

Lately, I've been having a hard time feeling that free-ing moment. It's hard to put feeling into my pictures now. Maybe it's mostly because it's the winter and school that's drowning my creative spirt. Summer really brings out the best pictures.

As you see, I can't find this middle ground between my two worlds. They confict each other way to much. My mom wants me to go to college. Carl wants me to be a proffesional photographer (probably musician too). They can't tell me what will make me happy. But I don't know what makes me happy either. I want to go to college, I want to be that rockstar I imagined myself being. I just can't see myself happy doing either one. I'm not good enough for either. The thing I think that would make me happy is going around the world and learning about everyone. Experience things I can NEVER experience in Vegas. In order to do that, I would need money and wars to stop. Again, something that won't happen for me.

I don't know where to move. Should I try to crawl out and run left? Should I run right? Maybe I should dig a tunnel to the center of the earth. I'm stuck in a rut. I think God, the universe, Allah, the sun, whatever people pray to, need to give me a redo on life. I've run into a brick wall and it's too late to turn back.


pic: http://dalaiharma.deviantart.com/art/These-Precious-Things-95232132